Purple Angel Wing Heart

lipsync1000 2022: a pre-final primer

lipsync1000 2022: a pre-final primer

Agh… the Lipsync1000 final is tonight, and I’m too busy with ad school and job interviews to go! Of course, I’m gonna spread my pixie dust from Shoreditch to Clapham and hopefully it will cover Ro or whatever togger they’ve got. I miss Gavin.

Also, forgive me for the sudden shift in image quality. Unfortunately, at Hoopla, I lost my non-insured-because-I-had-to-cancel-the-insurance-that-was-absolutely-horrible camera! So with a bit of willpower and knowing that there must be another way, I had to buy some more batteries for this old Canon that had been stuck in a draw for eight or so years. And somehow, it pulled it off?

If you want to assist me in getting a new camera, I’ve set up a GoFundMe. It’s been up for a while now and I haven’t bothered to promote it because there could be other revenue streams soon that can render this moot, but still, just in case…

Anyway, here are my thoughts on the saucy sixteen who will be terrorising Clapham tonight:

OUR FINALISTS

AIDEN STRICKLAND

Summing up Aiden’s act in a nutshell: imagine a yassified Rod Hull and Emu (Keith Harris’ array is a bit too sedate, as cute as Orville will forever be.)

There was, however, one glaring problem – somehow, he got away with using ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ with barely any sense of post-R-Kelly-arrest irony. Like, to say Rhys’s Pieces was “giggling” is an understatement. A little birdy told me that this is being (rightfully) changed for the final. Your letter is only the start of it etc. etc.

BEV

One of the more polished packages tonight. They might be blue, but they have a golden smile. I mean, just look at them. And they’re mighty funny, too.

If they pull out something new tonight, then that wouldn’t surprise me either. They seem chameleonic, and I don’t mean they’re turning green or gold or magenta.

Will probably just get a bottle of prosecco or Clapham Grand-branded Veuve Cliquot as a prize.

CAT PHISHER

Me and Cat have a lot in common; most of that lot being that we’re powered entirely by a few milligrams of Sertraline. They’ve only done drag for a few months, so to be this commanding on stage already? They deserve a Chupa-Chup at least.

Remarkably, they were the only winner in Heat 5 after losing out in Heat 3. It’s like Heat 5 didn’t have any winners and Heat 3 had five. Fuck the dynamics of time.

Plus they’re body-type goals. Not to envy their innate slim-thickness but…

DAPHNE VON HUNTINGTON

Madi Fortune has lived many lives. Of course, you most likely know them as The Family Jewels’ suave ringleader Beau Jangles, but this time they’ve gone Marilyn-inspired flapper femme. They’ve workshopped Daphne on the socials for a while now, but this is the first time that I know of that Daphne’s gone IRL. (Plus, while Beau never takes their clothes off…)

Now that the kings are finally doing the NYC Downlow (hurrah!), if Jack doesn’t force Lottie to put Madi into next year’s camp, I’d eat a shoe.

IZZNTSHE

This year’s wildcard, which totally surprised me, in a good way. Yes, I could name at least three queens with more deserving acts than hers, but the thing with Izzntshe is that she’s one of the most beautiful queens ever to hit the Glory stage. Hypnotically so.

I’m telling you, everyone’s gonna come out of the Grand captivated and entranced. That’s how I felt after leaving Heat 4, and I guess that’s how Sizzle felt too. Izzntshe gorgeous?

(Oh, and seeing as she helped PMBC get the win last year, she’s the second final-extra-to-final-wildcard queen since Cazeleon replaced Bopa Rhys in 2019!)

LETICIA DELISH

Ending the heats without a whimper, Leticia’s act was based on *that* video about Norwegians and butter. I say *that* video because I’m terminally online, but I was shocked a lot of people in the audience didn’t know of the video, or that Norway even had a butter crisis in 2011.

But then, when someone in the vicinity even dares drop the name “Pooja”, everyone screams because they immediately think of Bigg Boss. Double standards, eh.

LOLLY JONES

One of this year’s three(!) burly-Qs, Lolly’s swapping TV shows with Olivia Colman and Emilia Fox to the Clapham Grand stage with Rhys’s Pieces and Sue Gives a Fuck.

She does a Hilary Clinton burlesque act, which is soooo accurate, if a little glorifying. (No pun intended).

My only problem is, she managed to get in when most of the scenesters were watching Hans Off win Man Up. Will she be too neoliberal for the final audience? Was this the brunch Hillary supporters wanted to go to? Pussy hats Alyssa Milano yass queen girlboss?

LUSPINDA

Five words: Hula hooping Cher tribute act. You’re already sold. And she’s sweet as, even though it’s a shame Heather Duster couldn’t get to join her. Maybe Hev’s outgrown the final. She judged Man Up anyhoo.

MILD PERIL

Positive representation for the transmasculine and the bitchless (you should’ve seen them being all doom-and-gloom backstage after Susan Socks revealed she was engaged…), Hong Kong-born Mild Peril is one of this year’s strongest competitors. They make the combination of a Hamilton lipsync, a Shein PU leather trench coat and a pair of Dolls Kill boots that don’t have wings on them seem morally passable.

Plus WHAT A NAME – a satirical critique of sinophobia via BBFC ratings guideline jargon? Iconique.

PASTY KWEEN

Possibly the most established name out of the lot, all thanks to *that* Greggs’ sausage roll performance that she did 366 days before making it into this final. She was legit the guest of honour when they opened the Greggs in Leicester Square on Monday.

Hans and Pasty both fulfilling the “winner while already a big deal who doesn’t need the win” pipeline would totally work tbh. She’s honestly deserving, because she’s as sweet as one of those cakes with a plastic ring on top that they sell there. Do they still sell them?

PERLE RARE

The most traditional of our three burly-Qs this year, Perle was another act to make it on her second try. There’s a ton this year. You can tell that, post-pandemic, the scene has slightly imploded and it’s 2015 again.

There was also a bit of brouhaha early on when Haireola Grande tagged her as the maker of her wig during Week 1. Unfortunately, said hairpiece was just a ready-made wig that Perle lent to Haireola for like swapsies or something. Since then, Perle’s made her first wig, so Haireola might actually be a prophet.

Plus, isn’t ‘Sunshine After The Rain’ an anthem?

POWDERED SUGAR

The phenom. They’re loud, they’re proud, they probably caused the biggest upset in Lipsync1000 history by getting through to the final over Bonk. You either love them or hate them – in fact, you probably hated them at first because they always clap on 1 and 3 and not 2 and 4 but then you thought they were too endearing not to love.

If there was a “best newcomer” award for the London dragosphere this year, surely they’d secure a nom, if not win the whole thing. In fact, they’ll probably leave Clapham with a sash.

SATIVA EVA

There’s one thing to be a good dancer, and then there’s another to be so good that the judges are actively scared for your wellbeing. Sativa gives me the same vibes as Bolly-Illusion when they entered – yes, it’s very reminiscent of Rhys’s 2018 winning act but if it ain’t broke, right? What I’m saying is, she could actually win this. I told her not to expect anything less than a fancy-dress shop sash saying “Best Beauty Queen”.

SHAUN THE CHEAP

Fresh from Royal Central comes Shaun the Cheap, this year’s token clown. If you haven’t seen their act, I honestly don’t want to give you any spoilers. I think they’ve gone past the point of “wanting to win” and into the territory of “wanting to disrupt”.

SUSAN SOCKS

Another example of the second chance paying off. The first time round, Su’s Remy-from-Ratatouille impression got a completely average reaction from the smaller-than-usual audience. But then, upon return, something shifted. The reception was akin to having Lady Gaga randomly do a PA at a nightclub straight after the Chromatica Ball. Last weekend, the River Stage became a concert.

She might be dressed as a rat, but methinks sweetie (EVERYONE IS LOVELY) Susan is this year’s underdog.

VANILLA PARKER BALLS

Iconic last year, iconicer this year. And sweet as vanilla bean, too. Legit, they’re lovelyyyyyyyy.

Whether or not they’ll do the X-rated Nemo act or the U-rated washing machine act remains to be seen, even though it’s 99.99% proven to remove all stains… I mean the former.

All i’m gonna say: Sativa, Pasty, Mild top 3. No particular order. Honorable mentions to Bev and Pow. Calling it.

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