Purple Angel Wing Heart

man up 2022: heat three

man up 2022: heat three

I’d have posted this earlier, but my Mum wanted to watch Married at First Sight, so writing went out the window in favour of bingewatching. Everyone on MAFS talks exclusively in weasel words.

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This is probably my favourite heat of the competition so far, unless Heat 5 tonight (or any of the following three heats) blows me out of the water. 2019 was a toss-up between Heats 3 and 4, 2018 was Heat 4 if the final didn’t count.

Chloe Borthwick (aka the Justin Bieber tribute act from 2018 and 2019) was there with her friend Sal Morton. I told them that I ended up in the same position that her friend Si used to have, which excited them a bit. Sal asked me for deodorant, which unfortunately I didn’t have.

I also had my AirPods in the whole time as extremely-ineffective, fighting-fire-with-fire earplugs, playing white noise-laden subliminals which, in my experience, only seem to work when you’re not actively concentrating on what exactly you want. These results shockingly intensified the week afterwards. I’m gonna probably take this approach (or similar) everywhere I can’t put my phone in a Yondr pouch. (This makes me sound like a killjoy. Far from it luv. x)

Part One

Host Don One gave us a hairy-scary moment by singing x and wearing a shockingly flattering wig (that, of course, they vowed never to wear again.

First to compete was Dr Cox the Genital Pox, who did a striptease inspired by the Venus de Milo. Of course, one of the songs in the act was ‘The Stripper‘, which put a giant smile on my face out of post-anticipation proven-ness. Chloe and Sal didn’t get the reference – in fairness, they did look a bit Da Vinci.

Second was Evan Gelion, a hentai-loving weeb neckbeard stereotype who mostly lipsynced to the theme tune of his namesake anime and did neckbeard weeb Well Acktually things before furry femboy-ing up. I feel like it needed a bit more copaceticness, mostly using the furry femboy song of which I have no idea what it’s called.

Mr Mater did a cowboy-themed rewrite of ‘Bad Guy’ by Billie Eilish, complete with cardboard truck and woodwind renditions (kazoo AND clarinet) of the drop. I mostly focused on the name though: firstly, Don pronounced it as “Mr Matter”. Secondly, one of my besties is a Disney fanboy so OF COURSE I had to tell him that there was a drag king named after Mater.

Then came super-Italian Atrix, who stripped off and freed their nipples after a good pint of Stella. It was a very simple performance and, as you can tell, everyone in the audience swooned (me included, obviously).

Chloe and Sal
Don One
Celebrant Beau Jangles and plus one Tommy Rimmerson
Dr Cox the Genital Pox
Evan Gelion
Mr Mater
Atrix Cragnotti

Part Two

After Don One sung and danced to the Artic Monkeys like a robot from 1984, starting off part two was Cass the Boi. He did a rendition of that song that Queen did for Highlander, putting that song in my head for the past two weeks and counting. Shockingly, it was when I spoke to him about Eurovision (and Dr Cox looking like Sam Ryder) when it dawned on me – I spoke to him on Lex last contest! He considered doing Citi Zeni’s ‘Eat Your Salad’ (this year’s Latvian entry) but decided against it. I feel like it was a mixed opportunity.

(I’m not on Lex anymore because of my wtfromanticness/sexuality + it being a dump at any rate. But Cass, if you’re reading this, I’m still open to hanging out, even if it’s just at a Eurovision watch party on the 14th May.)

Then came a king with a notable presence already (and with that, a notable confidence), Dandy Issues. He did a bit of standup before launching himself into ‘Baggy Trousers’ by Madness. It was very Butlins – if he hasn’t already (because he’s big enough to do that0, give him a set at the Hoopla weekender for 2023!

Our penultimate performer was t33n angst. What an act. Set to One Direction’s ‘Kiss You’ (CHOON!), he took us through a POV of being a teenage boy, in the throes of puberty, ready to take the next step with his girlfriend. Not to mention the beat – he has RHINESTONE PIMPLES. (Also, despite the Dr Cox/Cass Eurovision talk, I didn’t want to assume and liken t33n out of drag to Montaigne, but I’m gonna do it here.)

Ending things was Papa Parmigiano, who sang ‘Pony’ in Italian (he was ten times more Italian than Atrix!) and made passionate love with a plate of spaghetti. I will never see parmesan cheese the same way again.

Cass the Boi
Dandy Issues
t33n angst
Papa Parmigiano
Powdered Sugar (as loud as ever!)

The verdict? Papa Parmigiano obviously made the cut (the reaction to his performance was THROUGH THE ROOF), as well as t33n angst. But then, true to Don One’s word the week before, a bonus third was put in – Mr Mater! Chloe and Sal had a good feeling about him, but I would’ve wagered Dr Cox to be the third king.

Don contemplates what to do with all these dudes

I do have to admit, I’m kinda gunning for t33n to win the entire shebang. It all really depends if Heathstiff comes back or not. Or Richard Missing, but I guess he’s barred by now.

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